I haven’t written a post in a while because a month ago I got really sick. It has been such a profound experience I decided to let myself be vulnerable and share it with you.
I hope it guides you to more love and compassion for yourself and others.
This is what happened…
I woke up one morning with a bad pain in my hip and shooting pains in my head along with a mild rash on my hip. My doctor said he thought I might have shingles and prescribed painkillers, which are not really good for me.
My first reactions was how is this possible? I eat well, I do yoga, walk and other fun movement and for the most part, I appreciate my wonderful life. I felt so vulnerable. I wondered “what did I do wrong”? After all, I’m a nutrition coach and I teach ‘happiness for health’.
The good thing is I have many tools to help me through challenging experiences. I also have been through difficult times and know I am safe and things are always working out for me.
While I don’t have control over what happens, I get to choose how I think about whatever is showing up.
First I checked in with True Self and acknowledged my belief that whatever is showing up is there for me not against me. I believe with all my heart and soul that I live in a benevolent universe.
I have been asking more expansion, less fear, less resistance and my body is on board with my expansion. I believe this pain and sickness is guiding me to opening up to more wholeness, abundance and love.
When I’m in pain it’s a part of me asking for love.
Throughout the day when I started worrying, I reminded myself that nothing bad is happening here. I can allow this experience to be just as it is without resistance. I took a lot of very deep breaths and did my best to allow whatever was coming up for me to flow through me.
Part of the process is to make space for the old energies to release. In order to do that I have to embrace what is happening.
FEEL WHAT I FEEL.
I don’t want to feel afraid. I don’t want to feel like I’m bad and I’ve done something wrong. It’s easy to fight against those feelings. But instead, I decided to give those feelings space, allowing myself to feel each feeling that came up fully and breathing through it.
As the weeks went on and I was still really sick and in pain, lots of fear and anxiety came up. So I got more comfortable sitting in the fear. Yes, it’s uncomfortable but I don’t want to run from it. I know as I breathe through it energy is releasing. I am creating space for everything I’ve been asking for.
I put my hand on my heart and relaxed my shoulders, breathe more fully and let myself feel what I feel even just a little bit more. Even if I relax just 2% more I create space.
Sometimes I cried deeply, experiencing the full magnitude of what I’ve been feeling. I felt into the part of me that was really hurting and told her I love her, even when she hurts. I didn’t try to fix it or “solve the problem”.
The feelings that came up are just old emotions I’ve suppressed or not allowed myself to feel or all the old judgments I’ve been holding onto that have gotten stuck in my body. Whatever is coming up are the unhealed parts of me I’ve been unconscious of that I’m ready to release so I can live more fully.
I realized I am the one who needs to be present to me and what I’m feeling whether I get better today or it takes a lot longer. Either way, I am going to be there for myself.
Being sick has helped me create more love for myself. Create more harmony with what is, not so I get better immediately, but so I can be present for myself, be on my on side, experience kindness and compassion for my difficult feelings.
I am the one I am looking for. Being willing to sit in the space of my feelings allows them to move. I expand into more love and compassion for myself. The best way is by loving and nurturing all of my feelings. As I do I feel more ease.
Now that I am feeling better I have a deeper connection to my True Self. I feel connected to the higher part of me more of the time. I feel loved, guided and supported from a deep level of myself. My True Self is always with me, I am never alone.
I am less judgmental of myself and others. I can allow myself to feel more cared about. I can receive more. As I receive more love and caring I have more to give others.
I also realize I don’t have to try so hard. I’m not broken, so I don’t have to be fixed.
Being sick and in pain for a month has been a difficult experience but I feel deeply changed by it. I am moving forward in my life with greater love and wholeness. I’m not so afraid of whatever I feel. I am willing to be more vulnerable.
I am the one I’ve been waiting for to give me more love, kindness and understanding.
I hope this post helps you be with yourself in a more loving way. We are all on this amazing journey together.
I like u, have been health minded for the last 10 years, only to wake up and find I have lymphoma. Finding the dr at stony brook does not return phone calls when ur sick with chemo and I don’t know what to do. When I’m in pain and get no response, yes I feel totally unloved. At the same time, I’ve had a disease go through my koi fish, killing 2, now watching 3 more try to fight off this disease. I’ve spent $1,000. I think, did they get it because they had some emotionally wounds that needed to come out ? I’m questioning it. Why should it be different for them. Well fish don’t have emotions but dogs do. If I knew how I got the lymphoma, I ciuld understand it better. Did I get it because I came in contact with a pesticide ir because I had the epstein bar virus and that makes u susceptible to cancer? Or because my dog was dying and that brought on stress hormones that made me more susceptible to lymphoma. Do we have our own little built in self-annilator called stress? Yes, I actually think so. The fish got the disease because they were stressed out with the changing of the seasons and couldn’t cope with the parasite that the bullfrogs brought in. Come to think of it, the bullfrogs are gone. So I think, stress in ur iwn body is the biggest thing to keep check of, that makes ur immune system more susceptible to anything.
Hi Debbie, Sorry to hear about your challenges. I know it must be hard for you. The emotions that are coming up are what needs your attention. When you feel unloved sit with that feeling. I know it’s uncomfortable. Feel where you feel it in your body. Relax your shoulders, take deep breaths and allow the feeling to be there. Let it expand, notice it with love and compassion for yourself. Be there for yourself in your pain. Keep breathing. That’s what allows it to move. You always have all that you need. Even being 2% more comfortable with your feelings creates space for more joy to come in. Don’t think or worry about where it came from. Much love to you.
This is such an excellent post! I think it’s really important to realize that we can be doing everything right and illness, etc. can still happen. And I absolutely love what you say about being present with yourself, with the pain and whatever else is there. Fighting it just adds more of the same, but it is often hard not to, to let go, so I love how you said just even 2% makes more space. Living with chronic Lyme, definitely one thing I’ve learned is that being there for myself is the way through… it’s so big.
Hi Natalie,
Thank you for your reply and appreciation. I’m sorry to hear about the Lyme’s disease you’ve been experiencing. Yes, being there for yourself in a big way is something I really have learned over the last few weeks. Also allowing my body to heal in its own time, not getting impatient or frustrated if it’s taking longer than I want, which is what is happening in my case. Everything is showing up for us not against us. We can relax and open up to receive the healing in its own time. I’m sending you lots of love and healing.